Subtle emotions come out from behind the corners of my mind. I’ve listed every regret and circled the ones I do most. When you’re trapped in your own mind you begin to see a darker side of things. Dark, with absence of light to a path anywhere. Left, wandering aimlessly. As I begin thinking I am of some deep poetic scene, I doubt all hope. Somehow I believe there is only but a sliver. A sliver so small I dare not try and touch it. So small is this string of hope that any breath too hard would push it away. I let my mind wander a bit more. Then I let unmotivation control me. Dark, is the hour of my thought. I have wandered too far I can no longer see that one small sliver of hope. Dark, is the consumption of my entire being. I reach out for anything, hoping to only feel. To feel anything. My mind has now devoured my soul and I am walking deeper into darkness. Following nothing, feeling nothing. Dark, is the essence by which I am tormented. Nothing is the only thing that begins to make sense. Light is but a fairy tale that I cannot even begin to imagine. I walk further until darkness has now taken my soul. Dark, is whom I have become. Dark, is who I am.
It’s Memorial Day weekend. While you enjoy your time with friends and family this weekend, stop for a moment and think about all those who have sacrificed their lives so that we can live freely.
In June 2010, I had the honor of attending the memorial service for TSgt Michael P. Flores. He lost his life while serving in Afghanistan as a United States Air Force Pararescueman. May he Rest In Peace.
I would only like to propose one simple thing to anyone interested in ANY kind of Special Forces, Warfare, or Operations jobs. NEVER FUCKING QUIT. Trust me. I know the reasons to why you don’t want to quit. And that feeling is worse than any kind of training or hell you will go through. Even though I am getting back in that feeling will always stick with me. I was literally in a depression from the day I was released from the schoolhouse to the day I got approved to re-enlist. I know other guys who have quit and had the oppurtunity to stay in the Air Force, you DEFINITELY don’t want to do that. Unless you get lucky, you will probably get put into a job you don’t want to do and be stationed at a base you don’t want to be at. “At the needs of the Air Force” is what they call your reclass if you are to quit. SoDON’T FUCKING QUIT.Before you even decide to sign that paper really know why you want to do these jobs. Understand what your job is even going to involve. I can’t even count how many guys I know that quit because they were unaware of some of the duties of such jobs. Also, research notable Operators of whatever career field you want to go into. read their stories, read what they went through. Jason Cunningham died in a field trying to save men who had been shot. I want to be him. I want to fight like Cunningham did. If you don’t think you can do that for somebody than you shouldn’t be “trying out” to be a PJ. You’re wasting not only your time, but you’re also wasting the Air Force’s. All I ask is that you really find it in your heart the reasons why you want to do this. If you go into this only half heartedly then you are certain to either quit or fail.
We have this special connection to all living things on the planet. You can say that that is some sort of hippy bullshit of some form of demonic religion all you want. But I believe that the world is much like the movie Avatar. Or at least it should be. Most of us sit here and say that we want to make this world a better place for our future children. But most of us continually live in our selfish minds and are too caught up with worthless things to even lend an ounce. I’m not here preaching about Earth being polluted or people being killed. I am saying that people are selfish. Completely and utterly. I can even say that I am at fault of this. If we could take the time to at least stop and listen things would be better understood. I said we have a special connection to all living things is because this past week we had to put down one of our dogs. She was the sweetest, most precious, happy dog ever. But thats the thing shes a dog. At least thats only how I thought of her before we put her down. I never realized the great connection she had to my heart. I sit here and try to be this big macho guy, but in reality I’m as sensitive as any other. I guess I just figure that someday I may have to deal with the passing of a human and in my mind that will have greater affect on me then my dog. Goodight sweet princess.
Is this supposed to make me happy? I sure don’t feel. I have already dedicated my life to protection of this country and this country’s freedom. I have already put gallons of sweat and blood into this lands soil, yet I am not even half way there. This lifestyle has already given me hardship and stress. And I ask myself tonight one question: Is this all worth it? My answer? Its not any kind of extravagant bullshit, but it is the most emotion I have ever put into anything. I have never had passion to take on such a duty in my 20 years of living so far. I have never committed my life to this extent to something. So is it worth it? You bet your ass it is. Getting up at the ass crack of dawn and having no idea when the days duties are done is what I live for. And I say that with all sincerity. Everyone on this Earth, whether they like it or not, has a duty to fulfill. This is mine. It may not always make me happy. I may not always find joy. But I know one thing for sure: My life will be fulfilled in doing this. I could sit here and tell you how I want to be and how I want to go out and save lives. No. I’m doing this because it is my destiny. It is my duty. My duty to go out and save my brothers and sisters. My duty to kill the motherfuckers who try and take away my freedom. My duty to never stop. My duty to keep moving forward even when I think I have nothing left. Nothing will stop me. Nothing will take this away. I will stare death in the face if it dare come before me. There is no happiness promised, Only duty fulfilled.
